I wish you were home this summer. It's not the same and I can just feel the friendship slipping away through my fingers.
There were so many moments in today where I just wanted to stop and hug the person I was with, but I didn't. The most adorable thing about the friendship I have with him is that he mentions things that happened before we were friends or before our friendship was as strong as it is now, and just assumes that I was in the picture then, as if I'd always been there. It makes me feel really included, and very, very loved- such a nonchalant assumption in normal conversation. :)
I am trying to just sit back and not make the effort this time. It's been two and a half weeks. Since we last spoke, I have been in a car accident which totaled my car, purchased a new one, and finished out the year at school. I would like to share all of this with you, but it feels sometimes like we only hang out or do things because I want to and because I contact you and decide on a general idea of what to do and make the effort. If you were to be the one to call me and make the effort, I am pretty sure I would feel a lot more comfortable about our friendship. You have said otherwise, but I would love if you would allow your actions to speak louder than your words.
I'm finding myself on the verge of something drastic, something stupid.
I need a really good cry, but am finding myself with no time and no place in which to do it. I am going to snap at the wrong person, and I think that maybe I just don't care.
Imitation may, in fact, be the sincerest form of flattery, but I would like it if you would please stop. Please stop trying to be like me. Stop 'stealing' good songs from me, stop wearing my clothes, stop emulating your life to be like mine. You're not me, and you really don't want to be me. I hate so many things about me, even the things you are trying to replicate in yourself, so please stop. Go make your own trail, and such.
1. My phone is dying a slow and painful death. Sometimes I open it and it's fine, other times I open it to a white screen. I can open and close it a few times, and never know what I'm going to get.
2. Hating my job. I thought my distaste for work last September was bad. Now I am having homicidal thoughts. Ha ha, sure, but I think about simply walking out on a daily basis.
3. People talking about me behind my back at school. We are adults, people. You're supposed to be TEACHING your CLASS and SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE. What kind of example are you to be gossiping and talking poorly of others? It's pretty sad, and you've stooped to a new low.
4. How have I not been able to get a teaching job? I am really close (I feel like I always say this, I need to just suck it up and DO it already) to finding something else to do with my life. I don't know what, if I should go back to school or just find some job that I can do with my BA in Music (nothing). I don't know. I wish there was some divine intervention, or someone to just tell me to my face 'DO THIS'. But there is not that, sadly.
5. CRYING. I'm so stressed out in doing two jobs at school. I think I've cried at least once each day this week. I want to end this, I want it all to be over. I can't handle any of this anymore. The more I think about it, the more upset I get. Like, now? I'm crying.
6. Friendships. I can't find solid ground, I can't get my footing, you keep changing the rules on me. I've sent emails, and called, but no response. I'm too invested and my walls are still up too high. I'm doing something wrong, but I'm not sure what. I don't know what the next step is, and I guess I have a lot more to learn about myself and us from this.
7. Sometimes I feel like I'm an open book, other times like a locked closet. As many little things as I share, I'm pretty sure that there is nobody in my life who actually KNOWS me. Sometimes, I think I am included in that.
Sometimes I feel like I can't be responsible enough to handle friendships. I overanalyze conversations, replay them ad nauseum until I convince myself that everyone hates me. The fact that I haven't received responses to emails obviously provides ample fodder to this argument, and that's such an underestimation and unfair judgment of my friends.
But, sometimes I feel like the friendships that I hold the closest are the ones that have the most shallow roots. It's a growing process, I am completely aware of that. The growth at times feels so miniscule, so invisible, I'm not sure there is any change going on. I want that noticable growth and depth to my friendships, but don't know how to ask for it. How do you start a conversation like that? "Please start by telling me all about your life. Your past loves, things you've cried over, what still makes you cry. Tell me some secrets here!" I can't do that. That's not fair, and I wouldn't even know how to begin to respond to it if the questions were asked of me! I'd probably cower in a corner and not respond to a thing.
I am accepting of what I can get, pieces at a time. If it takes a slow growth, I am open to that. So long as the doors and windows for this friendship are left open, and as long as the walls continue to slowly come down (and this is on my part, as well).
I'm just hormonal. I need a few days to resolve it all. I've cried a little the past few days, this is just par for the course. This will all hopefully settle soon enough. In the meantime, however, bring on the sappy music and the mopey attitude!
It's not supposed to be like this.
I'm not supposed to look for someone younger than me to hold me up. I'm not supposed to go to you to help me settle this crap I'm currently dealing with.
I don't want to test the waters in asking you to help me. I've done that before, and I don't know if I want to go down that road again. I remember how that ended, but would it be different this time? Is it worth the gamble?
I'm also powering on less than four hours of sleep. We shall see how this all plays out and how this all feels in the morning. For now, I feel like a ridiculous, tumultuous mess. Writing entries, taking them down. Three different times.
You're one of the few at this point who can honestly and objectively listen and not judge and give me what I need without the strings and the added bullshit. That is one of the things I appreciate the most about you, of our friendship. I hate to ask, but I really need it now.
It's not supposed to be like this, but, please, please, please... let's talk.
So I went with my aunt to see a psychic medium in September (on 9/11, actually). She made the appointment before my grandmother passed and wanted to see what was in store for her. She kept the appointment (Grandma passed a week shy of a month earlier). At Grandma's wake, I told her I'd like to go with her if she wanted to bring someone along. Most of the reading ended up being directed toward me which made me happy but kind of feel bad (she was expensive!!).
Anyway, part of the reading included a portion where the medium told me that I was going to meet someone while I was 26 (my age now!). He's maybe a consultant, someone who is in and out of my school building, not a permanent staff member. Dark hair, dark eyes, maybe in his early 30s, a little older than me, definitely in the technology field.
I was confused, this didn't make much sense to me at the time. I remember thinking, 'Well, we're supposed to get a Smart Board soon, maybe it's one of them!' That came and went. There was one guy about my age, I guess, but I think he was married and/or has children, so that was kind of out of the question. I knew it wasn't Luis, my building's 'tech guy', he's married with a family.
Enter the Alpha Smart Guy. I joke about him in my LJ, but honestly, he might be it? I get that giggly, oh-god-please-don't-say-anything-stupid-and-make-an-ass-of-yourself feeling in my stomach, along with the butterflies! We haven't done much other than just exchange hellos. I'm not brave enough to strike up a conversation with him (THOUGH I DO IN MY DREAMS), or to talk to the OT (who he works with) about it. I even have his phone number (I think) from an issue with the Alpha Smarts (a portable word processor that kids use instead of physically writing). I didn't call him, I called the company instead, and they helped me out. I am a chicken! I'm honestly not even sure of his name. Fairly confident, sure, but that's about it.
Okay, so, wrapping this up, my reason for not pursuing an out-of-state job and my reason for not actively looking to leave my school/district is this possibility. What if he is 'it'? I know I need to do what I need to do for myself and what is necessary for my happiness, but I don't know if I can handle walking away from this person who could be what I've been wanting for such a long time?
It's silly, I know. I can't really talk to my friends about this, I doubt they would understand. I'm so torn!
I feel so out of my head. I haven't been able to really focus on much. The only time things feel some sense of 'right' is when I'm at the gym. Imagine that. I feel like I'm at a really low point, and I think I can put a finger on it, but am unsure of how to fix it.
I have one friend who doesn't return my calls, one who I can't stand to converse with for more than five minutes, one who never initiates conversation, another who gives an air of being 'too good' for me to be friends with. WHY am I DOING THIS to myself? It sucks, because I'll go for awhile without hearing from any of them and decide I'm happy on my own, that it's probably for the best that I haven't heard from them. But then I reach out, make the effort, see my friends, and realize how much I've missed them. At this point, however, they go back to being unreachable, don't answer my calls or messages, etc. There are the apologies for being a bad friend (maybe if you think that this means you, maybe it does), but no actions to back up the apology.
I feel like I'm using one of my friends and I hate that I am doing it but I really like to see them. It seems like they feel obligated to make time for me, and that is certainly not fair. Maybe that's not how the situation is, because I know the other party is someone who would say no if they didn't want to. Or do I? Obviously, crying over it (like I am now) is not going to help.
All I've really wanted for what feels like forever is just (ha! just!) a best friend. Someone who understands me, who can be around to call whenever just to talk, who can make time for me. And that would be something reciprocal! I feel like all I do is give, give, give. When do YOU make the effort, when do YOU call ME to hang out and when do YOU tell ME you want to see me and do something? I stopped making the effort and heard from no one.
